One month down.... years to go

So 3 kids... that pretty much says it all for how this last month has been. How did my little baby get to be a month old already?!?! He's such a sweetheart, except when he's screaming, but I guess that could be said of most kids right? He's started looking at us now and even giving us a few smiles every now and then, it's adorable. But he still sleeps most the day, gets up too many times at night, and likes to eat whenever it's the least convenient for me to feed him :)

Before I had children I imagined days full of fun and laughter. Kissing boo boos and giving hugs. Having all the time in the world to just hold a new baby and actually wanting to. I never knew that there would be days when all I wanted more than anything in the world was a moments peace and a good nights sleep. Motherhood sounds so wonderful before you're in the middle of it, in a house full of dirty laundry and screaming children. With wet cheerios stuck to the kitchen floor and in your hair. Someone is in the bathroom crying for their butt to be wiped and someone else is spitting up all over your only clean shirt.

I knew the adjustment to 3 kids would be hard, everyone says it the hardest, but I think I expected it to be a little easier. The older boys have done pretty well with the change, no huge fits, or potty training regression or anything. Just lots of whining from Parker about pretty much anything there is to whine about. And KC has found a great way to express his frustrations when Clayton is crying. He plugs his ears and says very loudly " Wah! Wah! Wah!" Ya, fun huh. As if we really need more noise when the baby is screaming.
We've had lots of days when everyone ends up crying by the time Daddy gets home, including me. And lots of days with boys locked in the backyard to play while mommy hides under a pillow on the couch to escape the madness. I've never enjoyed putting myself into "time out" more.
But even though there are more than enough days when I think I was CRAZY to ever have children, there are lots of days filled with smiles, and laughing, and lots and lots of kisses and hugs. Days when the all is right with the world and all three kids take a nap at the same time and I get to sneak a few extra hours of sleep and even better.. it's quiet. On these days Parker and KC are the best of friends and actually play without punching and Clayton sleeps peacefully in his swing all day. On these days I get to shower and comb my hair afterwards, clutter gets picked up, and dinner sometimes even gets made. Aaron comes home to a smile and no one is plotting their escape (usually me).
Oh if only I could have more days like that.

Sometimes after a long day when the big boys are fast asleep and I get a moment to just sit and rock my baby, I wonder how we will all ever survive this, and I pray that I can handle all the stress and be the kind of mother these children deserve. I pray that there will be more days when I shed tears of joy instead of frustration and that one day I can look back on this time and only remember those good days.

But despite everything thing else, the one thing no one told me about motherhood that has surprised me more than anything is that even though I've never felt so tired and overwhelmed before, I want to take these children, these small little children and bottle them up and keep them forever this way. I never want to forget the way it sounds when Parker says "I love you mom" and gives me a hug as he heads out the door for preschool. I never want to forget the way it feels to have a baby in my arms, even if that baby is crying. And I never want to forget the way KC comes and snuggles into our bed at night if he's having trouble sleeping. How is it that something that demands so much from us, something that takes and takes till we have nothing left to give, can somehow create more love than ever thought possible.