ADHD?

Recently Aaron was diagnosed with ADD. He was having some problems at work and has always had a short fuse at home. I started to see a lot of similar traits in the 2 of us. So he went to the dr., got tested, and what do you know he scored really high. He started on some meds and I can't believe the difference! Some may say that you can really notice a different right away, but we did. Aaron is a new person. It's amazing. He's so much fun, more organized, nicer to the kids, and just seems to be on top of things. It's funny because we've known I have adhd, but since we started having kids I haven't been on meds for it since it doesn't agree with pregnancy very well, and I never really noticed that our lives were that crazy. Seemed normal to me. So we have a million piles of clutter, we spend money impulsively and our finances always seem to be a mess. The house can't stay clean and I dare say our parenting techniques leave a lot to be desired.
But who doesn't struggle with these things at some point right?

Well it wasn't until Aaron started his meds and I started to notice that the way I've been getting by maybe isn't as functional as I thought. Poor Aaron met me when I was medicated and pretty together and then we had Parker and I've been a little crazy ever since. I guess the good thing about getting married so quickly for us what that we didn't know what we were getting into. It just came and we had to learn to handle it. And love each other for it. And it worked for us.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. So I decided maybe it would be a good idea for me to try my meds again knowing now that it will be a good while before we have anymore babies. Who knows, maybe projects that were started months ago will get finished finally, laundry will get washed and put away, and I might be able to find something I need once in awhile.

So with both of us having it, our poor kids don't stand a very good chance huh. We already know Parker has it, it remains to be seen if the others do. But we are looking into getting Parker started on some meds soon too.

I know there is a lot of controversy out there about add and if it's a real thing or not and if it is over diagnosed in kids. And if you're one of those people who think it's not a real thing, then just ignore this, but I know for me, and my family it has been a very real thing, and when on medications the difference has been phenomenal. My nurse told me about a conference she went to where they talked about a study of adolescent girls with undiagnosed adhd. They found that they were something like 80% more likely to be sexually active, experiment with drugs and alcohol and or have eating disorders. And struggle with depression and anxiety. Hmmm, sound like my teenage years or what! When they first told me that I had it, after Maren was born, I started reading about it and was amazed to learn so much. It was like my life had been written down and suddenly I had an explanation for the way I had been feeling and why I did some of the things that I did. Not to say I'm not to blame for the choices that I made, i am, but it was good to know that there was a reason that those things were so hard for me.

So to say that it doesn't exist or that you can just change your diet and be rid of it I think does a great disservice to those effected. Especially kids who could benefit so much from treatment and who's lives could be so much better in the long run.

Anyway, I'm excited to start my meds again and combined with Aaron on his see what could happen for our family. I'm grateful to see the difference in Aaron and how it has prompted me to take care of myself better so that we can all be at our best. I hate that it is a never ending struggle to remember to take the pills and keep up with it, but I'm glad that there is something out there to help, and now Aaron and I can help each other with it. So thanks for putting up with us all this time :)

Late Night Ramblings

It's late, and I'm awake. Seems to be a trend lately. Need to find a way to fix that, I guess it would help if I layed down and tried to sleep instead of reaching for the computer.

Today I baked. In an empty house. I turned up the radio and just worked. Didn't get as much done as I'd hoped but I did get a lot done still. Then at 2:15 when the kiddos came in the door from the neighbors house I hung up my apron and I played. I read books, helped with homework, and snuggled. And I wasn't stressed about how much I needed to do, and I wasn't thinking about all that I wanted to do instead. I just played and spent time and loved it.

Then at 5:30 Aaron came home, I got ready and went to the temple. I've only been once in the last year, and it wasn't such a great experience. It was in the middle of a bad emotional and spiritual time for me, and it was weird. And I never wanted to go back. But I did, and I felt the spirit, and I loved it. I love being able to go in and forget the world and feel such a sense of calmness and peace. It was very refreshing and I didn't realize how much I had missed it. And to top it off I came home to a clean house, sleeping children, and a happy husband.

Today was a good day. The best in a while. And I'm thankful for that.

Parker is reading now. Today he read me Green Eggs and Ham and the ABC book. It's fun to hear him read. I love it. He's also learning a lot about numbers. He walks around reciting addition facts and mumbling numbers. I loved to see him learning so fast. He's grown so much in the past few months being in school. What a smart boy he is. He drew a picture for me on the white board yesterday. It was a picture of me next to our house and a big flower. There were hearts in teh air around me. He said to me "You know what these hearts are for mommy? There for you because I love you"
I love that boy too.

8 years ago my life was at a crossroads. I had a lot of big decisions to make that were going to affect a lot of people. And it was hard, harder than anything I ever want to go through ever again. And my heart was broken into a million pieces because of it. Most came back together, but a few will always be lost. But I'm glad to say that even though I still have days and moments when I miss those pieces and wonder if I will ever really feel whole again, I can look around me, and at this amazing life I have been given. And that I worked really hard to get after everything else, and I feel like the luckiest girl alive. If it hadn't been for the lessons I learned from those hard things, I wouldn't have found Aaron, and I wouldn't have these 3 darling boys that make me so incredibly happy.

There are people I love going through hard things right now, and my heart breaks for them. And I want to fix it somehow even though I know I can't. But I know this, that Heavenly Father has a plan, and even though sometimes it seems to make no sense, and you wonder if things will ever seem alright, one day you look up and realize that life is better than you could have ever imagined or planned on your own. And you can see how he lead you through the hard times to prepare you for better things to come. I heard a quote somewhere once about prayer. It went something like this.
Sometimes when we pray for something and God says no it's because He has something better in store for us. So to those of you who are praying for those things that you so very much deserve and it makes no sense to us why you can't have it, I pray that your something better will be on it's way soon, and that your heart can stop aching.

The never ending battle

I know, I'm really getting bad at this. Facebook has killed my blog. It's so much easier to go on there and add millions of one line status updates then to sit and write a blog post. Especially when life consists of changing diapers, chasing runny noses, and putting on snow boots again and again.
But I'm going to try, just today, no promises for tomorrow though.

Now that the postpartum depression that seems to hunt me down viciously after every baby has surrendered and I've found a desire to be again, I find myself battling the same ever present conflict. One side of me wants a career, one sides want to just be a mommy for now. Why can't I do both? Because I don't want just a baking from home a few weekends a month type of career while spending the rest of my time playing with and loving my children. I want to go to culinary school full time and get a degree in baking and pastry arts. I want to open my own shop and spend my days up to my elbows in powdered sugar and buttercream. I want to use every spare second learning more and practicing so I can have the talent for this art that I really want to have. At times I find myself searching through other peoples websites and marveling at the work they can do with sugar and I feel so mediocre. I hate feeling restricted by the money it takes to acquire all the tools, and to go to the classes, and to just be able to create something without having to have someone paying me for it so I can even afford to do it in the first place. But most of all I hate feeling so guilty for wishing the time that my children are small away so that I can have the freedom and time to explore this path. It's easy to say there will be time later and that there is a season for everything, but I hate feeling like with each day that goes by I am being left further behind in an industry that I want to be a part of so badly.
I feel like society we live in here in utah has given me such a strong divider between being a stay at home mother and having a career also. Like I can't have both and be a good mother at the same time. It's like I'm being told that if I don't choose to be home 100% of the time and devote every ounce of energy I have to these children I don't love them enough. But where is the part that says that if I don't give myself a portion of my time to devote to my interests and talents so that when my children are grown and gone I haven't lost myself, that it's okay and doesn't make me a selfish unloving person?
Idealy I want to be both. And I want to separate them so when I'm home I can be a mother and wife and when I'm working I can just work and not have to stop to change a diaper or refill a bowl of cherrios. This is what I really want, and I may have found a way to do it. I found a kitchen that I might be able to rent, it would allow me to license my business so that I could advertise more and bring in more clients. It would allow me to have a place to go where I could just work uninterrupted, and not have to do it in the middle of the night when the kids are sleeping. I could spend 2 or 3 days a week there part time and then enjoy being home the rest of them time. And I could even find a partner to work with so that I could enjoy some adult interaction at the same time. I'd have to find a babysitter of course, which makes me feel bad. And is an added expense. And the kitchen isn't free to rent, and I'd have to pay part of the utilities and more for advertising to be able to get enough business to make it even a possibility. So here I find myself again frustrated by the expense of it all. But before I find a way to finance it and get my feet off the ground here is the question. And please I need honest answers, not "I don't want to hurt your feelings" type of answers. You've seen some of the stuff that I have done so far, how do you think it compares with others that you've seen? Do I even have enough talent to make a go of this without failing miserably? There are a lot of cake decorators out there, just look on KSL and craigslist. The market is flooded with amateur decorators who will give you a cake for practically nothing. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to develop a name for myself. I want people to tell people about me when they know someone planning a wedding. I want to get good enough that one day I can be one of the best in the state and really compete, I want to be able to charge what my time is worth and not have people turn away. But most of all I want the work that I do to be special. I want people to feel like they want to get a cake from me because of who I am, not because maybe they can work me for a cheap deal.
So anyway, that's where I am right now. Wondering why I can be satisfied to just be a mother right now, but knowing that if I don't have a creative outlet that I love somewhere that I won't ever feel really satisfied with life.
I hope this doesn't come across wrong. I love my children. Love everything about them. But I love them more when I don't feel drained by the monotony of daily life at home. I am a better mother when I am a better and happier me.
My heart goes out to all the working mothers out there, what a fine balance you have to create so you don't feel like either side is getting less than it deserves. And to all those mothers out there than can devote every minute to their families and be completely fulfilled I am amazed and envious of you. I don't know how you do it.

Sweet Baby Clay

I can't get enough of this guy. Here are some fun new pictures of our cutie! He's almost 8 months now and already pulling himself up to everything and trying to walk along the furniture. Today he even stood for a few seconds without any support. He's getting so big!

Cake Blog

Sorry I've been a lousy blogger lately, it's not for lack of computer time, just not much new happening. Life is keeping us busy but we're having fun!

I've started a new blog for my cake business to show off what I'm currently working on.

www.kariscakeventures.blogspot.com

Feel free to check it out and become a follower :)

Ices Convention Specials

Link over to my new cake blog www.kariscakeventures.blogspot.com for info about my new specials to earn $$ for convention next August.

"ICES, the International Cake Exploration Society, puts on a Convention every year. All the top names in cake designing are there teaching classes and giving demonstrations. I've never been able to go before, but it sounds amazing. Much like a glorified version of the Cake Camp I went to last year in Vegas. This year I'd hoped to go to camp again but instead I got to spend my summer loving on my new baby.
But next summer he'll be big enough to stay home with Daddy so ICES Convention here I come! Only problem is that I need to raise a lot of $ to be able to go.

So until then I will be giving some killer deals on cakes. If you or someone you know is having a wedding pass the word. Call me today to set up you design consultation and taste some of my delicious flavors.

And if you have a big heart and don't need a cake but just want to see my dream come true you can click on the link and donate to my Convention Fund."

Big Clayton and little Clayton

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Dad, put me down

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Aarons parents were able to come for Claytons blessing, isn't this a great picture with them! I'll send you a copy Sue :)

this little piggy

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Brotherly Love

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3's company

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Gosh i love these boys

Clayton

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...School Days...

This little boy started preschool yesterday. I can't believe he's old enough!! Wasn't he just my cuddly baby? I was worried about how he'd handle preschool since he still cries when we take him to nursery at church, but he did great! He lined right up with his class gave me a kiss and a hug then waved goodbye and off he went. He had so much fun. They learned a song called Mr. Sun and he's been singing ever since. What a cutie.




And this boy started Kindergarten! He has been so excited, this day took forever to get here. It was so exciting in fact that Mommy actually got out of bed early and made everyone a big yummy breakfast so we could be ready for the big day.
We went yesterday and met his teacher and got to see his classroom. She had his name backwards on his name tags lol. Bryan Parker. But all he knew was that those are his names and it made no difference to him. She did have it fixed this morning. As excited as I've been though I have been a little apprehensive about school starting. Preschool never bothered me, it's in someones house, not full of hundred of students. nice and controlled. But Elementary School? There are sooo many people there, so many that I don't know, whose parents I don't know, and whose thoughts I don't know. What if kids are mean to him, what if he makes bad friends, what if he gets into trouble, and the biggest what if, what if someone comes into his school and tries to hurt him!? And I'm not there to help keep him safe. I know most those things are just part of school and that I can't control it all, but given the way I finished out my high school experience I can't help but be worried. In fact when we got to go see his classroom and see where he would sit I was a little bothered that his seat is right next to the hall door. If someone came into that room with bad intentions he'd be right there.
So after I dropped him off today I got in the car and said a little prayer for him, that he could be safe, and have fun. And that he'll never have to know what it's like to be so scared and so confused, and that school can be a happy, fun experience for him always. He's only been gone an hour and already I'm sitting here anxiously waiting to go back and get him and make sure he's okay. Please let him always be okay.

Family 2009

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The whole gang

Thanks Mom and Dad for the vacation. It was a lot of fun and so great to all be together.
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I'm 3

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Me and my boy

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I love this little guy. Ginna took some great photos for us while on our family vacation at Lava Hot Springs. Thanks Ginna! I can't wait to see the rest!

Falling Behind

Sorry for the blog neglect. I think facebook is killing my blog.
Here's a quick update until I can get it together and add some pictures.

KC turned 3 last week. I can't believe he's 3 already! What happened to my little baby boy!? We had a fun day and celebrated with a mickey mouse cake. My parents came over for a small party and he had a lot of fun.

Parker is getting ready to start kindergarten next month and is getting really excited to go to the big school. I'm not very excited about the daily back and forth every few hours though. He just finished swimming lessons, and in June had baseball and some classes at our towns youth arts festival. It has been so busy and I'm so glad to have a few weeks without anywhere we have to be everyday. There is plenty of other stuff going on though. oh when will life slow down? I need a break!

Clayton is 3 months now and getting big. But the days of sleeping all day are past and now he wants to be up and entertained. While this is fun it does make it hard to feel like I can get anything done. NOW i understand why 3 is so hard! My house is falling apart and the kids just don't slow down so I can catch up! I feel like I need about 5 more pairs of hands and 10 more hours in the day. Preferable those hours would be nap time for us all and a maid would come clean my house while I'm sleeping.

We have a big project going on right now :) We're building a second floor laundry room! I'm so excited to have it done and not have to haul the laundry down to the kitchen anymore. Right now our laundry room is right off the kitchen and is also in the same room as our pantry and it's the doorway to the garage. There is just too much going on for such a small room. So with the laundry upstairs we'll have more room for pantry storage and not be tripping over laundry baskets on our way out the door anymore :) we've got most the framing done and are not just waiting for the contractor to finish the plumbing and electrical. Then we can finish it up :) Yay!!!

The only other big thing going on is that I've decided to put the cake business on hold. Life is just to crazy for me right now to have the extra stress. I feel like I hardly have time to catch my breath let alone make cake. So I have a few scheduled still, but as soon as those are done I'm free! Just thinking about not having to worry about it relieve a HUGE amount of stress. I'm excited to just be mom for awhile. I have to laugh at the "just" since being mom involves more than any other job I've ever had.

Well, I think that's it for now. I'll try to get some picture up soon. I'm better at facebook these days so you can find some new pictures there for now. :) Wish us luck trying to balance out this new life with little Clay and if you get bored your always welcome to come over adn do a batch of laundry lol.

Swings

sorry this video is sideways. Aaron recorded it this way and I don't know how to turn it

~Splish Splash~

Heidi's Cake

My fabulous cousin Heidi got married yesterday. Somehow the only pictures I got from the reception are of the cake (of course lol) and a few of my kiddos. It was fun though! They had it catered by Cold Stone :) Yummmm.

What to do...

So I've decided that I'd like to legalize my business and get all my licencing done. There's a lot to do though. And I can't decide if the benefits will be worth all the extra expenses. For one I have to change my home owners insurance because our currant one doesn't like home businesses that deal with food, and if something should happen and it is in any way business related they won't cover us. So there's an extra 240 a year for insurance, then there's all the taxes. I don't really have any idea what those will be like. It's been nice being able to pocket most the money I make, but at the same time I always worry about getting in trouble for not being licenced. And I probably wouldn't be able to offer gluten free cakes anymore (lots of restrictions on how/where items can be processed) and that's a big part of what I do.
So I wonder how much time do I really have to dedicate to making cakes? I'd like to do 3 or 4 a month, but at the same time I've got 3 little boys who don't always like it when I have cakes to make. But I love doing it, and I love feeling like I have something I can contribute financially.
I don't have that much left to do, mostly lots of paperwork, and of course each item I need to submit has to have a check attached to it :( that's the tricky part since I don't want to spend any of our fmaily money on it so I'm just setting aside a little from each cake this summer. So that pretty much means Iw n't make any money but that's ok. Most people say to just wait until my kids are older and I can really have the time to commit to it, but that's soooo far away! And really I'm just not that patient. Besides just because the kids will be older doesn't mean life will be any less busy, and I function better when I have a little bit of stress. I get too bored otherwise and then I get depressed.
If I was legit I could do a bridal show once in a while and advertise more without any worries. And I could purchase supplies at a lower cost from dealers that only sell to businesses. And there's the part where I can say that I am the owner of my very own business, I like that part.
So... I think I'm going to go ahead with all of it. I'm getting to know more and more people with connections int he wedding industry that I can advertise with and I'm getting a lot of calls from random people so that means my name is getting out there. And I'm on the first page of google search now for utah wedding cakes!
So anyways, that's enough of my ramblings, just needed to think it out loud so to speak so I could decide what to do.

On a side note Clayton is sleeping through he night! The whole night! He goes down around 8:30 and sleeps till around 6! It's fabulous. He's the greatest baby ever.

Stephanies Cake

After an almost 6 month break it's good to be back :)

Our little Graduate

Parker and his great teacher Heather. Parker loved her and had sooo much fun in her class. She also has son Parkers age who is one of his good friends that he plays with a lot.
This week Parker graduated from preschool. Last year when he had preschool graduation I thought it was stupid, after all he still had another year before preschool. This year I thought it was adorable. Parker is a little nervous about going to kindergarten next year, after graduation he cried about it for hours. I'm hoping he'll get excited about it over the summer and it can be a fun thing for him.
At graduation his teacher gave each of the students an award, Parker got the "Sunny Side Up" award for always being so smiley and happy when he's at school.Here is a video of when she gave him his award, the volume isn't very good so you have to listen really close.

A peace of heaven

These are just some of my favorites from Clayton's pictures

One month down.... years to go

So 3 kids... that pretty much says it all for how this last month has been. How did my little baby get to be a month old already?!?! He's such a sweetheart, except when he's screaming, but I guess that could be said of most kids right? He's started looking at us now and even giving us a few smiles every now and then, it's adorable. But he still sleeps most the day, gets up too many times at night, and likes to eat whenever it's the least convenient for me to feed him :)

Before I had children I imagined days full of fun and laughter. Kissing boo boos and giving hugs. Having all the time in the world to just hold a new baby and actually wanting to. I never knew that there would be days when all I wanted more than anything in the world was a moments peace and a good nights sleep. Motherhood sounds so wonderful before you're in the middle of it, in a house full of dirty laundry and screaming children. With wet cheerios stuck to the kitchen floor and in your hair. Someone is in the bathroom crying for their butt to be wiped and someone else is spitting up all over your only clean shirt.

I knew the adjustment to 3 kids would be hard, everyone says it the hardest, but I think I expected it to be a little easier. The older boys have done pretty well with the change, no huge fits, or potty training regression or anything. Just lots of whining from Parker about pretty much anything there is to whine about. And KC has found a great way to express his frustrations when Clayton is crying. He plugs his ears and says very loudly " Wah! Wah! Wah!" Ya, fun huh. As if we really need more noise when the baby is screaming.
We've had lots of days when everyone ends up crying by the time Daddy gets home, including me. And lots of days with boys locked in the backyard to play while mommy hides under a pillow on the couch to escape the madness. I've never enjoyed putting myself into "time out" more.
But even though there are more than enough days when I think I was CRAZY to ever have children, there are lots of days filled with smiles, and laughing, and lots and lots of kisses and hugs. Days when the all is right with the world and all three kids take a nap at the same time and I get to sneak a few extra hours of sleep and even better.. it's quiet. On these days Parker and KC are the best of friends and actually play without punching and Clayton sleeps peacefully in his swing all day. On these days I get to shower and comb my hair afterwards, clutter gets picked up, and dinner sometimes even gets made. Aaron comes home to a smile and no one is plotting their escape (usually me).
Oh if only I could have more days like that.

Sometimes after a long day when the big boys are fast asleep and I get a moment to just sit and rock my baby, I wonder how we will all ever survive this, and I pray that I can handle all the stress and be the kind of mother these children deserve. I pray that there will be more days when I shed tears of joy instead of frustration and that one day I can look back on this time and only remember those good days.

But despite everything thing else, the one thing no one told me about motherhood that has surprised me more than anything is that even though I've never felt so tired and overwhelmed before, I want to take these children, these small little children and bottle them up and keep them forever this way. I never want to forget the way it sounds when Parker says "I love you mom" and gives me a hug as he heads out the door for preschool. I never want to forget the way it feels to have a baby in my arms, even if that baby is crying. And I never want to forget the way KC comes and snuggles into our bed at night if he's having trouble sleeping. How is it that something that demands so much from us, something that takes and takes till we have nothing left to give, can somehow create more love than ever thought possible.

3 reasons I love being a mom

I knew there was a bright side...

Father and sons campout. 28 days and counting :)

I can't wait for the day when all the boys are big enough to go. Yay for having all boys!

Sneak Peek

Evelyn came and did Clayton's newborn pictures today. And they are soo cute! To see a sneak peek of the pics check out her photo blog Freckles Photography.

Pictures

Clayton had his first bath saturday night. He was not a fan. Poor little guy. It'll be better when his cord falls off and we can get him all the way in the water so its not so cold.
My 3 boys! We took this the day he was born, Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into?
Wow! Check out the resemblance between KC and Daddy. Good thing I married such a handsome man since my boys all look just like him!
This is my favorite so far! He's finally starting to like the swing, not as much as the other boys did though. Parker practically lived in it for the first 3-4 months of his life. Clayton only likes it for a few minutes at a time. Mostly he just wants to be held constantly. Good thing I found my sling or this could be a problem. But he's awfully cuddly so I guess I don't really mind that much :).