ADHD?

Recently Aaron was diagnosed with ADD. He was having some problems at work and has always had a short fuse at home. I started to see a lot of similar traits in the 2 of us. So he went to the dr., got tested, and what do you know he scored really high. He started on some meds and I can't believe the difference! Some may say that you can really notice a different right away, but we did. Aaron is a new person. It's amazing. He's so much fun, more organized, nicer to the kids, and just seems to be on top of things. It's funny because we've known I have adhd, but since we started having kids I haven't been on meds for it since it doesn't agree with pregnancy very well, and I never really noticed that our lives were that crazy. Seemed normal to me. So we have a million piles of clutter, we spend money impulsively and our finances always seem to be a mess. The house can't stay clean and I dare say our parenting techniques leave a lot to be desired.
But who doesn't struggle with these things at some point right?

Well it wasn't until Aaron started his meds and I started to notice that the way I've been getting by maybe isn't as functional as I thought. Poor Aaron met me when I was medicated and pretty together and then we had Parker and I've been a little crazy ever since. I guess the good thing about getting married so quickly for us what that we didn't know what we were getting into. It just came and we had to learn to handle it. And love each other for it. And it worked for us.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. So I decided maybe it would be a good idea for me to try my meds again knowing now that it will be a good while before we have anymore babies. Who knows, maybe projects that were started months ago will get finished finally, laundry will get washed and put away, and I might be able to find something I need once in awhile.

So with both of us having it, our poor kids don't stand a very good chance huh. We already know Parker has it, it remains to be seen if the others do. But we are looking into getting Parker started on some meds soon too.

I know there is a lot of controversy out there about add and if it's a real thing or not and if it is over diagnosed in kids. And if you're one of those people who think it's not a real thing, then just ignore this, but I know for me, and my family it has been a very real thing, and when on medications the difference has been phenomenal. My nurse told me about a conference she went to where they talked about a study of adolescent girls with undiagnosed adhd. They found that they were something like 80% more likely to be sexually active, experiment with drugs and alcohol and or have eating disorders. And struggle with depression and anxiety. Hmmm, sound like my teenage years or what! When they first told me that I had it, after Maren was born, I started reading about it and was amazed to learn so much. It was like my life had been written down and suddenly I had an explanation for the way I had been feeling and why I did some of the things that I did. Not to say I'm not to blame for the choices that I made, i am, but it was good to know that there was a reason that those things were so hard for me.

So to say that it doesn't exist or that you can just change your diet and be rid of it I think does a great disservice to those effected. Especially kids who could benefit so much from treatment and who's lives could be so much better in the long run.

Anyway, I'm excited to start my meds again and combined with Aaron on his see what could happen for our family. I'm grateful to see the difference in Aaron and how it has prompted me to take care of myself better so that we can all be at our best. I hate that it is a never ending struggle to remember to take the pills and keep up with it, but I'm glad that there is something out there to help, and now Aaron and I can help each other with it. So thanks for putting up with us all this time :)

Late Night Ramblings

It's late, and I'm awake. Seems to be a trend lately. Need to find a way to fix that, I guess it would help if I layed down and tried to sleep instead of reaching for the computer.

Today I baked. In an empty house. I turned up the radio and just worked. Didn't get as much done as I'd hoped but I did get a lot done still. Then at 2:15 when the kiddos came in the door from the neighbors house I hung up my apron and I played. I read books, helped with homework, and snuggled. And I wasn't stressed about how much I needed to do, and I wasn't thinking about all that I wanted to do instead. I just played and spent time and loved it.

Then at 5:30 Aaron came home, I got ready and went to the temple. I've only been once in the last year, and it wasn't such a great experience. It was in the middle of a bad emotional and spiritual time for me, and it was weird. And I never wanted to go back. But I did, and I felt the spirit, and I loved it. I love being able to go in and forget the world and feel such a sense of calmness and peace. It was very refreshing and I didn't realize how much I had missed it. And to top it off I came home to a clean house, sleeping children, and a happy husband.

Today was a good day. The best in a while. And I'm thankful for that.

Parker is reading now. Today he read me Green Eggs and Ham and the ABC book. It's fun to hear him read. I love it. He's also learning a lot about numbers. He walks around reciting addition facts and mumbling numbers. I loved to see him learning so fast. He's grown so much in the past few months being in school. What a smart boy he is. He drew a picture for me on the white board yesterday. It was a picture of me next to our house and a big flower. There were hearts in teh air around me. He said to me "You know what these hearts are for mommy? There for you because I love you"
I love that boy too.

8 years ago my life was at a crossroads. I had a lot of big decisions to make that were going to affect a lot of people. And it was hard, harder than anything I ever want to go through ever again. And my heart was broken into a million pieces because of it. Most came back together, but a few will always be lost. But I'm glad to say that even though I still have days and moments when I miss those pieces and wonder if I will ever really feel whole again, I can look around me, and at this amazing life I have been given. And that I worked really hard to get after everything else, and I feel like the luckiest girl alive. If it hadn't been for the lessons I learned from those hard things, I wouldn't have found Aaron, and I wouldn't have these 3 darling boys that make me so incredibly happy.

There are people I love going through hard things right now, and my heart breaks for them. And I want to fix it somehow even though I know I can't. But I know this, that Heavenly Father has a plan, and even though sometimes it seems to make no sense, and you wonder if things will ever seem alright, one day you look up and realize that life is better than you could have ever imagined or planned on your own. And you can see how he lead you through the hard times to prepare you for better things to come. I heard a quote somewhere once about prayer. It went something like this.
Sometimes when we pray for something and God says no it's because He has something better in store for us. So to those of you who are praying for those things that you so very much deserve and it makes no sense to us why you can't have it, I pray that your something better will be on it's way soon, and that your heart can stop aching.

The never ending battle

I know, I'm really getting bad at this. Facebook has killed my blog. It's so much easier to go on there and add millions of one line status updates then to sit and write a blog post. Especially when life consists of changing diapers, chasing runny noses, and putting on snow boots again and again.
But I'm going to try, just today, no promises for tomorrow though.

Now that the postpartum depression that seems to hunt me down viciously after every baby has surrendered and I've found a desire to be again, I find myself battling the same ever present conflict. One side of me wants a career, one sides want to just be a mommy for now. Why can't I do both? Because I don't want just a baking from home a few weekends a month type of career while spending the rest of my time playing with and loving my children. I want to go to culinary school full time and get a degree in baking and pastry arts. I want to open my own shop and spend my days up to my elbows in powdered sugar and buttercream. I want to use every spare second learning more and practicing so I can have the talent for this art that I really want to have. At times I find myself searching through other peoples websites and marveling at the work they can do with sugar and I feel so mediocre. I hate feeling restricted by the money it takes to acquire all the tools, and to go to the classes, and to just be able to create something without having to have someone paying me for it so I can even afford to do it in the first place. But most of all I hate feeling so guilty for wishing the time that my children are small away so that I can have the freedom and time to explore this path. It's easy to say there will be time later and that there is a season for everything, but I hate feeling like with each day that goes by I am being left further behind in an industry that I want to be a part of so badly.
I feel like society we live in here in utah has given me such a strong divider between being a stay at home mother and having a career also. Like I can't have both and be a good mother at the same time. It's like I'm being told that if I don't choose to be home 100% of the time and devote every ounce of energy I have to these children I don't love them enough. But where is the part that says that if I don't give myself a portion of my time to devote to my interests and talents so that when my children are grown and gone I haven't lost myself, that it's okay and doesn't make me a selfish unloving person?
Idealy I want to be both. And I want to separate them so when I'm home I can be a mother and wife and when I'm working I can just work and not have to stop to change a diaper or refill a bowl of cherrios. This is what I really want, and I may have found a way to do it. I found a kitchen that I might be able to rent, it would allow me to license my business so that I could advertise more and bring in more clients. It would allow me to have a place to go where I could just work uninterrupted, and not have to do it in the middle of the night when the kids are sleeping. I could spend 2 or 3 days a week there part time and then enjoy being home the rest of them time. And I could even find a partner to work with so that I could enjoy some adult interaction at the same time. I'd have to find a babysitter of course, which makes me feel bad. And is an added expense. And the kitchen isn't free to rent, and I'd have to pay part of the utilities and more for advertising to be able to get enough business to make it even a possibility. So here I find myself again frustrated by the expense of it all. But before I find a way to finance it and get my feet off the ground here is the question. And please I need honest answers, not "I don't want to hurt your feelings" type of answers. You've seen some of the stuff that I have done so far, how do you think it compares with others that you've seen? Do I even have enough talent to make a go of this without failing miserably? There are a lot of cake decorators out there, just look on KSL and craigslist. The market is flooded with amateur decorators who will give you a cake for practically nothing. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to develop a name for myself. I want people to tell people about me when they know someone planning a wedding. I want to get good enough that one day I can be one of the best in the state and really compete, I want to be able to charge what my time is worth and not have people turn away. But most of all I want the work that I do to be special. I want people to feel like they want to get a cake from me because of who I am, not because maybe they can work me for a cheap deal.
So anyway, that's where I am right now. Wondering why I can be satisfied to just be a mother right now, but knowing that if I don't have a creative outlet that I love somewhere that I won't ever feel really satisfied with life.
I hope this doesn't come across wrong. I love my children. Love everything about them. But I love them more when I don't feel drained by the monotony of daily life at home. I am a better mother when I am a better and happier me.
My heart goes out to all the working mothers out there, what a fine balance you have to create so you don't feel like either side is getting less than it deserves. And to all those mothers out there than can devote every minute to their families and be completely fulfilled I am amazed and envious of you. I don't know how you do it.

Sweet Baby Clay

I can't get enough of this guy. Here are some fun new pictures of our cutie! He's almost 8 months now and already pulling himself up to everything and trying to walk along the furniture. Today he even stood for a few seconds without any support. He's getting so big!